


Nachbeben

by colazitron



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-23
Updated: 2009-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-27 08:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/659876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colazitron/pseuds/colazitron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris breaks up with Anton, Anton breaks down. Slowly but surely, he copes. Not last thanks to the people who are there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nachbeben

****

Nachbeben

~*~

So viel kaputt  
aber so vieles nicht  
Jede der Scherben  
spiegelt das Licht  
So viel kaputt  
aber zwischen der Glut  
zwischen Asche und Trümmern  
war irgendwas gut

So much is broken  
but so much is not  
Each of the shards  
reflects the light  
So much is broken  
but somewhere in the embers  
in between ashes and debris  
something was good

~*~

They had never really worked. Had never _fit_ like Zoe and her boyfriend or Karl and his family. They weren’t a match made in heaven like John and his wife who looked at her and his son with such adoration it physically made your heart ache to be close to them for too long.

They were a match made some time during an angel’s downfall, eyes still fixed on heaven, resenting it for exiling it and at the same time still longing for it with every fibre of its being. That was them. A tight downward spiral that _tried so hard_ but couldn’t escape gravity’s merciless pull. Their crash ending had been inevitable and if he was honest Anton was amazed by how long the fall had been.

It was just… Anton had crashed and burned. He had fallen without wings and lay there, splattered across the concrete floor, bones broken, guts spilled everywhere, cursing the faint pulse of his heart he could hear but no longer feel that forced him to go on. He breathed even though he no longer knew where his lungs were. And somehow all of his pieces had re-assembled, messily forming a more or less functioning human being that had no choice but to stumble through this world it had never wanted to be a part of.

And Chris, the bastard, had simply sacrificed one of his cat-like nine lives, gracefully landed on his feet and continued to charm his way through any door he wanted, purring at the cream he was served.

They had never really worked, Anton knew that. Whenever Chris had pushed, he had stubbornly stood his ground until Chris’ shove had sent him tumbling to the ground. Whenever he had pulled, Chris had clung to anything he could reach until Anton had destroyed every last hold and was subsequently the only thing left to hold on to.

They had both cheated. Chris more times than Anton cared to admit, in the drunken conviction that Anton would forgive him. Anton himself only once, in cruel icy cold calculation so that Chris had to stumble upon them and realize how very much he didn’t forgive him. Compromising on an open relationship had really been more of a front.

Anton still had that scar from where Chris had butted out his cigarette on his arm in a very furious moment. Chris still had the scar from where Anton’s nails had dug too deep.

They had never really worked, he knew that. He had always known that.

But on the rare occasions they had come together peacefully… God, it had been beautiful. They had been a work of art; carved from ivory and twisted together and into each other in such an intricate design no thread could ever hope to show the way to unravelling their secret.

It was in these moments during which Chris would tell him how beautiful he was, how smart, how talented, how perfect and how fucking lucky Chris thought he was to be allowed to hold him that Anton had prayed for a parachute to slow down their fall. None had come.

So instead, in his childish hope that they could somehow work this out, make their Pieta stand up and still be proportionate, he had given Chris everything he could, everything he was. He had poured all of himself into Chris, thinking that if Chris only knew, if he could _feel_ how devoted Anton was, down to the marrow in his bones, surely he’d stay?

He hadn’t.

And now here Anton was, trying to make sense of this world that offered nothing like the rush of free fall, nothing like the beauty of a bird’s eye view. He could still hear the awkward Russian phrases Chris had learned for him ringing inside his head. They overlapped with his exhausted “There’s just no point in this, Anton”. The sound layer they formed made it difficult for anything else to reach him.

He looked up and saw Dave standing there, looking expectant. Right. Jam session with the guys.

No way.

Unable to bring himself to say “He dumped me” he chose to croak out “We broke up” relying on Dave to know what he was talking about. There was so much pity in his expression Anton immediately wanted to take it back. It was only when Dave set down his guitar case and stepped up to him, kneeling in front of him and taking hold of his hands in a decidedly un-Dave gesture that he suspected … something.

“Anton. Anton, dude, that was a week ago.”

A week?

Out of the corner of his eye, a pile of books caught his attention. Zach had brought them over; some existentialist, some happy, some shallow, some deep. It was a very Zach way of saying ‘I care’. Zach had also brought over the box with all his stuff he had had at Chris’ place that sat untouched in his closet.

His mom had hugged him and his dad had cooked his favourite dish for dinner. Kat had volunteered to rip Chris a new one and Dave… Dave had sighed and had said “finally” sounding so relieved.

Anton blinked.

“Right.”

+++

Duke had been begging him for a real work-out for the past days.

“Anton, for God’s sake, take the dog out,” his mother snapped, earning herself a wounded look out of wide, raw grey eyes she still didn’t want to acknowledge were her son’s. Wordlessly, Anton got up from where he had been staring at a book and softly patted the side of his own thigh, signalling to Duke that they were going out.

He collected his cell phone and wallet from his room and trudged down the stairs, feeling sorry for having neglected his faithful pet for so long. He slipped on his shoes and attached the leash to Duke’s collar, just because he didn’t want to take the chance that he ran out on the street got hit by a car.

His mother stepped out from the living room and stared at him with sad eyes. Shit, did he worry her that much?

“Don’t take the car,” she said and he blinked at her before slowly nodding. Maybe he really shouldn’t drive right now.

“I’ll probably be a while. I’ve got my phone with me,” he said before turning around and leading Duke out the door, turning right on the side walk towards the city boundary. It’s been a long time since he walked the whole way and he figured he could use it. Fresh air supposedly helped one think.

 

Two hours later he felt like ripping his brain out just to stop thinking. He was glad that he had taken this walk so many times before, because it was solely the automatism his feet moved with that led him along the path up into the hills. His masochistic mind somehow insisted on replaying every single hurtful, wonderful, painful, beautiful moment he had shared with Chris over the last months.

Why did this hurt so bad when he had always known that it would eventually end up this way?

A distant rumbling caught his attention and he raised his head to glance through the roof of leaves above him. That did look like a lot of rain. Probably soon. Putting two fingers into his mouth to whistle for Duke, he dug his cell phone out of his pocket, dialling up the one person he felt comfortable ranting at.

_“Yeah?”_

“Hey, Kat, can you come pick me up? I’m walking Duke in the hills and it’s probably gonna rain soon.”

He was almost sure he could hear the smile spreading out over her face.

_“Sure. The usual route?”_

“Yeah. I’ll be down in like half an hour. Can you make it?”

_“Yeah, sure. See you there.”_

“Thanks. Bye.”

_“Bye.”_

Putting the phone back into his pocket with one hand, he used the other to scratch Duke behind his ear.

“I’m sorry, buddy. I shouldn’t take this out on you.” Duke barked once and happily wiggled his tail. Anton smiled down at him and turned back around to walk down the hill.

“C’mon, boy,” he called to the dog and watched him trot ahead of him. He blocked all of his thoughts and in stead focused on just walking and breathing.

In, left, right, out, left, right, left, in, right, left, out, right, left. Repeat reverse.

 

True to her word Kat was parked at the bottom of the uphill track, leaning against her pick-up. When Duke spotted her, he broke out into a run, charging up to her and barking happily. Kat looked down from where she was worriedly watching the sky and caught his paws when he jumped up to greet her, setting them back down onto the ground before bending down to scratch his head.

“You’re out”, she smiled at Anton, when he stopped in front of her, watching the exchange between her and his dog. _Out of your brooding,_ his mind helpfully translated the subtext.

He shrugged.

“Yeah. Needed to clear my head.”

“Did it work?”

“Not at all.”

She sighed and smiled sympathetically. Nodding her head to the passenger’s seat, she took the leash from his hand.

“Get in,” she ordered and grabbed Duke’s collar, leading him into the back. She had picked him and Duke up enough times, so he really didn’t worry that she wouldn’t buckle him up correctly. In stead he stared out of the window at the darkening sky and tried not to think of Chris.

Kat got into the driver’s seat and buckled her seat belt, before turning the key. They both knew that he hadn’t just called her to pick him up – he could have called either of his parents for that. It was blaringly obvious that he wanted, needed to talk about Chris.

Thing was, Anton had no idea how to start.

 _“I don’t know why he did that”?_ A lie. Anton knew. It was just like Chris had said. It just hadn’t made any sense anymore for them to continue this crippled something they had called a relationship.

 _“I don’t know what to do”?_ Another lie. He knew what he was supposed to do. Get the hell over it and move on with his life. He just couldn’t do that, though. Not right now. Maybe someday. Hopefully soon.

 _“It hurts so much”?_ Way to state the obvious. And yet, it seemed like the only way to go. It was, after all, the only thing he was pretty sure of at the moment. He **hurt. So. fucking. much.**

“It’s not..” he started and tried ignoring the sidelong glance she shot him. He licked his lips and ran a hand up into his curls, clinging to them for a moment. When he released them, his scalp burned a little.

“It’s not like I feel numb or dead.. you know what I mean? ‘Cause this.. this hurts so much more than dying ever could.”

Kat said nothing and looked straight ahead at the road. He was grateful for that. He didn’t think he could handle pity or even just sympathy right now.

“And I just feel so stupid.” He swallowed and blinked against the sudden burn in his eyes.

“I always knew it was gonna end this way. I fucking knew that. But it’s like… like a part of me just doesn’t get it. Like it just… doesn’t want to accept that this is it.” Anton heaved a sigh, chancing a glance over at his silent companion and caught her gaze. For a moment, it was like they shared something over that link, until he looked away and broke it.

“This is not a break-up we’ll get over,” he continued and wasn’t that a fucked up notion? Break-ups to get over? They should have never gotten back together after that first one.

“This is… this is the fucking end. No more Chris and Anton. Just.. Chris. And Anton. You know what I mean?”

He stared out the window and suddenly realized that he had said that out loud for the first time. It was so shockingly real all of a sudden. It also made him wish he was Bella Swan and could collapse in forests just because she had been broken up with and wait for her knight in sparkling armour to come back and make it all okay.

Or even just be a girl. Or just slightly more dramatic. He could stand outside in the rain and cry. He could curse the heavens or croak out a really cheesy break-up song, really out of tune. And if JJ added a few lens flares to it and Danny Elfman wrote him a theme score, it would be heart-breaking and make people cry in stead of being ridiculous and making people call the nice gentlemen with the white jackets. Or at least his parents.

Holy shit, life was unfair.

He swallowed hard and looked at something invisible in between the rain drops running across the window and the grey curtain of rain somewhere farther away.

“It’s like… shit, there is no way this is not gonna sound completely stupid… like there’s .. a cage. Inside me.” His gaze flickered to Kat, even though he knew she would never laugh at him. She was, after all, the one who tried to get him more in touch with his feelings. God, he really hated feelings right now.

Swallowing hard, he continued.

“And in it, in the cage, there’s… me. Or, a part of me, or.. fuck, I don’t know.”

Kat still quietly listened.

“Anyway. It’s like… rattling at the bars of this cage, you know what I mean? And it wants me to let it out so it can scream at the world and cry and terrorize and … this sounds really psycho, doesn’t it?”

“No. Not at all,” Kat said, her voice level, not giving away any other emotions than acceptance and encouragement.

“It kinda… it’s… scary, you know? Cause I’ve never had that and… I don’t know.”

Kat didn’t answer. Not until she had driven up to Anton’s home and stopped the engine. Unbuckling her seat belt she turned to Anton and smiled at him a little.

“It’s okay, Anton. To feel these things and to be so wound up over it. And you don’t have to do this alone, you know? You don’t have to try to be strong and understand it all on your own. I’m here for you. And so is Dave and your parents and even Zach. We’re all here. Okay?”

Anton bit down on his lower lip hard enough to make him wonder whether it would start bleeding and nodded his head shakily. The burning behind his eyes was back and he hated it. Hated being weak and broken because of Chris. Hated ever having given him the power to do this to him.

Kat reached for his hand, the rain pelted against the windows of the car and Duke panted contently on the back seat.

“It’s not weak to cry over a broken heart, you know? It helps let go. We can stand in the rain so you can pretend they’re not tears if you want to,” she offered with an easy smile and Anton scowled at her for taking his pain so lightly. But the furrow of her brows told him that she was actually serious. She just wanted to help him and didn’t know how to.

He grabbed onto the sleeve of her sweatshirt and held tight.

“Can you stay the night?” he asked, staring at the empty space between them.

“Of course I can.”

 

She let him curl into her and cling while he still tried not to cry. One of her hands slipped into the mass of curls on the back of his head and moved almost like she were petting a cat. Her other arm wound around his back and sat there warm and comforting. She was humming nonsensical, soothing tunes and didn’t skip a beat when he at last let the tears fall and the sobs wreck his body.

He thought he probably would have been cold if not for her.

+++

Dave came over for breakfast to check if Anton was up to a little jamming and raised a brow at Kat sitting at the counter in her jeans and one of Anton’s t-shirts, drowning her pancakes in maple syrup while Anton watched with obvious disgust and munched on a bowl of cereal.

“So you guys finally did it?” he grinned, like he always did when Kat stayed the night. Only now wasn’t always. He and Kat shared a worried look and then fixed their eyes on Anton.

But he just rolled his eyes at Dave and hit him in the face with a kitchen towel. He knew the hand that came down on his shoulder and clasped warmly was a sign of affection and pride from Dave. Kat smiled too brightly for it to be simply pancakes and Anton ignored the twang of guilt in favour of the little contentment that dared to breach all of his angst.

“So, listen, I’ve been toying around with this new song..” Dave started and grabbed himself some orange juice from the fridge and a glass out of the cupboard.

Anton nodded a “go on” when Dave looked to him for some sort of comment as he sat down with them.

“Well, I just thought I’d play you what I’ve got so far and maybe we’ll come up with something,” he shrugged.

Anton shrugged too and stared down into his breakfast. His fingers itched to pick up his guitar again, but music always made hi overly emotional and he really didn’t think he could take any more emotion right now.

“Hey, can I come too?” Kat chimed in before he had even said yes and made it sound like a done deal that Anton was going. He scowled at her a little, before allowing his lips to widen in a little smirk.

“Only if you do the vocals.”

They had been begging Kat to at least sing with them for one of their songs forever, but she had always declined, stating that their lyrics and melodies just weren’t the kind of stuff she wanted to sing. She liked listening to it all right, but her voice really wasn’t cut out for it. Or so she had always said.

Now she just shrugged.

“Sure, why not, you guys have been begging forever.”

He joined Dave in gaping at her. At least until Dave clapped him on the back and said with a little awe in his voice,

“Dude, whatever you did to her last night, do it again.”

Kat grabbed the newspaper at that and hit Dave on the back of his head, sending him a look that let Dave know enough so he wouldn’t mention last night again, while Anton didn’t have to tell him anything about his break down.

“Whatever. You’re gonna end up married anyway,” Dave shrugged and quickly ducked, when both Anton and Kat reached out to swat him over the head again.

“Guess who we won’t be inviting,” Anton growled and got up to put his empty bowl in the dishwasher. Dave faked a dramatic gasp.

“You mean I’m not gonna be your best man?”

“You just wanna fuck whoever Kat picks as bridesmaids,” Anton retorted, a little grin tugging at his lips. Dave placed a hand over his heart, a faux hurt expression causing him to frown.

“Do you really think that’s the kind of person I am?”

“Yeah, I really do. I’m gonna got get my guitar,” Anton announced and turned his back to his two friends, exiting the kitchen. He missed the silent hug of happiness Kat awarded Dave and the relieved look they shared.

+++

Anton thought he was doing great, all things considered.

The night with Kat and the jam session the next day had given him a sense of freedom he hadn’t had in a long time. Not having to answer to anyone (but his parents, of course) and being able to spend time with whom he wanted when he wanted, doing the things he wanted and not caring if people frowned at him for it was something he hadn’t realized he’d missed.

So he still brooded and Chris wasn’t gone from his mind, not in the slightest.

But he walked Duke regularly and he caught the proud looks of his parents and friends when he was laughing, which made him try to remember whether that had really become a rare occasion for him. He had finished all the books Zach had lent him and gotten three of them to place amongst his own. He saw Kat or Dave every other day and didn’t feel guilty about Kat’s singing with them anymore when she told him how much fun she had doing it.

He also asked Dave why he had been so relieved at their break-up and only scowled a little when he shrugged and replied that he had never thought Chris good enough for Anton.

“You weren’t right for each other, man,” he shrugged and Anton hated that he couldn’t even deny that statement.

“No, we weren’t. But whatever you think of him I’m sure he loved me too. And we were happy when it worked.”

“Yeah, well, maybe. I dunno. I’ve known you forever, Anton and I’ve never seen you more stressed and tense than when you were with him. He wasn’t good for you. He didn’t treat you like he should have.”

“Don’t put all of this on him, Dave, I wasn’t exactly a sweet little angel either.”

Dave raised an incredulous eyebrow and put out his cigarette to focus all of his attention on his friend.

“Why are you defending him? That guy cheated on you at least seven times. That you know of.”

Anton balled his hands into fists and got up from the side walk where he and Dave had been sitting, chatting away about nonsense until he had to be stupid enough to bring up Chris. He had always known that Dave wasn’t overly fond of him.

“He’s a good person, David, whether you believe that or not. We just tend to bring out the worst in each other.”

“I don’t,” Dave informed him non-chalantly and let him go.

+++

He called Kat to help him tackle the box of memories he had not yet dared to drag out of his closet.

It was mostly clothes Anton had left at Chris’ place so sleeping over would be easier. A couple of CDs and books were in it too, but nothing that could really upset him. He had actually been looking for that shirt and wondering where it had gone.

But then he found the model air plane he had painted Chris’ face on. It was the same model his grandmother’s face had been painted on and alleviated the burden of war all those decades ago for a few soldiers.

It was also a Christmas gift.

“I can’t believe he’d give this back,” he stated, holding up the model for Kat to see.

“Is that the plane you give him for Christmas?” Kat asked and scoffed disapprovingly at his nod.

“What an asshole,” she merely commented and reached inside the box to pull out another t-shirt. He nodded when she lifted it up, silently asking whether he wanted to keep it.

“I think I’ll give it back to him.”

“What, why?” Kat asked, reaching in and automatically putting the CDs on the “keep” pile. There was no way Anton was going to throw away music, no matter how much it reminded him of Chris.

“Because it was a gift and I want him to keep it. If he doesn’t want it, he should just throw it away. What the hell am I supposed to do with it, anyway?”

Setting the model down, he looked up at Kat holding up another t-shirt. It had bleach stains all over. Well, before they had been… other stains. He quickly shook his head and tried to suppress the blush the inevitable memories brought. Kat raised a curious eyebrow.

“You don’t even want to know this story,” he informed her, thinking of all the inappropriate ways they had made use of the kitchen and food stuffs that night. She wisely didn’t press the issue.

+++

Incidentally it was Zach who made him realize with a sudden finality that life post-break up was better than before. Not really on purpose or anything. He had merely stopped by to see how Anton was doing and when Anton had told him “I’m great” he had realized that he actually meant it.

He was doing great. They had written three new songs in the last weeks and Kat was to join them with lead vocals in two of them. He had spent a lot of time with friends he hadn’t seen for ages and felt so free at not having to consider that maybe Chris would want to meet him later and cutting short every other get together.

He had even met up with Kristen whom he hadn’t heard of since he had called to her to confirm whether she was really going to be in _Twilight._ She had been a little snappy about that actually and merely told him that not everyone could have JJ Abrams and McG running down their door with offered roles.

He loved not being angry because Chris had forgotten about one thing or another and he loved not feeling guilty for whatever he would frequently forget about. He loved that he could listen to the music he wanted to without feeling inadequately young because of it.

They had sat together talking about shooting for _Heroes_ and the upcoming premiere of _New York, I love You_ and making pleasant small talk. At some point, Zach had got up to leave, seemingly satisfied with finding Anton in considerably better spirits than the last time they had met.

“Wait, I’ll go grab your books”, Anton said and climbed the stairs two by two.

“Have you finished them all?” Zach asked, sounding slightly impressed.

“Yeah,” Anton laughed from upstairs. “I had some time to kill.”

Hopping down the stairs, he felt his chest constrict at the one question he really wanted to ask.

“Here. Thanks, man, I really liked them,” he said, handing them back to Zach.

“Yeah, sure, no problem. We’ll have to get together some time so you can tell me what you think of them,” Zach invited, while walking up to the door. Anton opened it for him.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” he grinned. Zach had always valued his opinion. Not despite his age but because of it. He said it gave him a completely different view point and Zach always appreciated new angles.

“Well, I should get going,” Zach opened the round of good-byes. Anton nodded and looked to the side, kicking himself internally.

“How is he?” he merely asked in a small voice. Zach breathed a deep sigh.

“Not that good,” he answered and reached out a hand to clap Anton on the shoulder. Anton returned the half-hug and felt his smile slip a little.

“Bye,” he said and watched Zach walk down to his car.

+++

It took him another four days to determine whether seeing Chris was a good or a bad idea. By the end he had decided that he really had no clue, but _wanted_ to see him anyway, so what did it matter.

He called up Kat again.

_“Hey, you.”_

“Hey, Kat. Could you do me a favour?” he asked, sitting down on his bed a worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. He could practically hear her sit up straight.

_“Sure. What do you need?“_

“Could you drive me to Chris’ place?” Now he could hear her frown.

_“Why do you want to go there? And why don’t you go by yourself?”_

Anton swallowed hard and ran a hand through his curls.

“I haven’t seen him in over a month. I used to see him almost every day and I just want … well, to see him. To see how he’s doing.”

He paused a little, giving Kat the chance to approve or disapprove, but she just made a non-committal noise.

“And.. well, if I go alone and he asks me to stay, I don’t know if I could leave. And even if I do, I don’t think I should be driving.”

 _“You don’t know if you could leave? Anton, I thought we had left that stage behind!”_ She was obviously getting angry with him now and to be honest Anton was amazed that she had stayed calm and patient for this long. Kat wasn’t usually the person for patience.

“We did! I just.. I’d feel better if you were there,“ he confessed. She huffed an annoyed sigh, but resigned.

_“All right, I’ll pick you up in half an hour. But after this I want this Chris drama to be over.”_

“Thank you, Kat.”

 _“Yeah, yeah, bye,”_ she merely replied and hung up.

+++

Kat watched the exchange at Chris’ front door with baited breath. She didn’t really want to admit it to herself, but she was kind of scared that this would maybe throw Anton right back into his post break up depression.

There was a lot of space between the two men and it was obvious that neither was comfortable around the other yet. It reduced her anger towards Chris a little to see that he seemed to suffer under their split as well.

She wouldn’t have gone so far as to claim that Chris hadn’t ever loved Anton because it had been kind of clear that he had when she had seen the two of them together, but the way he just suddenly broke up with Anton had made her think that maybe he hadn’t loved him enough.

The silence that was tangible all the way back to where she was sitting in the car when Anton handed him his plane back, obviously telling Chris that it had been a gift and Anton was not going to take it back, told her she had been wrong. Chris had probably loved Anton the same as Anton had loved him, they simply hadn’t worked it out. In the long run, he had probably done Anton a favour by breaking up.

They talked a little more, Anton burying his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, Chris keeping his busy hanging on to the plane.

They parted with a nod to each other. Chris turned to the car and waved at her. She waved back and tried taking a few deep breaths as Anton walked back to her and got into the car. He closed the door and for a few moments they both just sat there, as if waiting for something. Then he buckled up his seat belt and she turned the key, feeling her fingers shake a little.

They drove in silence for a while.

“Are you okay?” she finally asked. His honest smile relieved her.

“Yeah, I am,” he said.

+++

**The End**  



End file.
